Friday, December 23, 2011

Life with cancer

Sometimes life can get in the way of living. I did not realize how long I had been out of commission, and IN what can only be described as a tremendous funk. I blame it on cancer. I blame most everything on cancer these days. My tiredness. My sadness. My apathy for my own health.

Cancer is evil, and cancer is all- consuming. It not only consumes the body of its victim, but also consumes the lives and thoughts and emotions their loved ones. Cancer is vicious in its attack. It does not hold back. It does not care who you are.

In the case of my mother, the cancer is winning the fight. Her treatments are not working. Not only are they not successful, but the cancer is getting stronger each and every week. There comes a point when you have to ask is the suffering and sickness from the chemotherapy worth it? When it becomes clear that your last resort is failing, at what point do you give up the fight? Or do you?

It is questions such as these that fill my mind. That keep me from peaceful sleep. It is not so much worry as it is just thoughts. Continual thoughts. Thoughts that cause me to wonder why at this point in life is my mother losing her battle with cancer, as my father is just beginning his? 

I wonder how many children have two parents with cancer the same time. I am sure it is many. I wonder what this means for my future health. I simply wonder. I wonder how to deal with it all. I wonder what the purpose is in the suffering cancer creates.

Cancer is evil. It strangles. It consumes. It sucks the very life from once healthy beautiful people. It causes chaos. It is overwhelming.

Until...I remember that everything happens according to God's plan and for His purpose. It is when I step back and remember this, that I can function in a semi-normal state again.